Log in

No account? Create an account

Whatever Happens, Happens

Look at my last entry. Almost a year ago. I thought college and worrying for jobs were hard back then, but it seemed like things were only going downhill from that point. People say writing helps, that I might be able to clear out some of the negativity. So I'm going to try just that.

Some people had their plans and dreams crushed before them due to unavoidable circumstances (or Fate, whatever that is). Some assholes had all the resources in the world to fulfill their potentials, and yet chose to sabotage the said chance for stupid reasons (I even had a person on top of my head right now). I fall in the middle spectrum. I finished college in May, grades pretty satisfying, and I went back to my hometown for some relaxing weeks of doing nothing before I looked for jobs. For 3 years, I was in a different country, and I didn't really spend much time with my parents when I had my holiday. It's one of the things I regret these days. After college, I began to spend more time with them. That's when I noticed things that were plain wrong.

My mom. She used to be this sassy, active women who can't be hindered by anything. She was quick, she did everything independently, she used to tease her boss, chase after a motorcycling robber, pick fight with my primary school principal because the security guard allowed some rich mommies to enter the school premises when it's not allowed, but refused to let my mom hand me my lunchbox (yes, that happened). Now she used four-feet cane to walk, had speech impairment, had memory trouble, had some delusions. It became apparent that she had an early stage of dementia. My dad. He was still the same like he used to, only sometimes he complained about persistent loose stools and fever. If I was smarter I would've brought him to see the doctor, but I was a fool. It kept going on like that. I eventually applied for a job, the one that I thought was going to be temporary because I planned to work overseas. Nevertheless, I went for the interview. I was accepted. My families were happy for me. I was happy. Then some time in the end of July, I went back to Singapore to take care of unfinished business for about a week. When I went home, I heard the news from my mom. My dad had colon cancer.

It was a sleepless night. I cried while venting everything to my boyfriend, who helped consolled me. It didn't get better.

He was walking around, went to work like he normally did, albeit the loose stools but it can be fixed with adult diapers. Few weeks later, he spent most of his time sitting on his rolling chair, navigating around the house with those. He lost his appetite, eating very little even though we forced him to eat more. He became thinner, and soon, were bedridden. He started to have hearing problems, and have trouble understanding what people said. My mom's symptoms worsened, and she sit on a wheelchair due to nerve problem. They eventually miscommunicated. They bicker everyday. They started to see each other less often. I could do nothing as what I said can no longer be processed. I spent most of my time taking care of them.

He's too old, they said.
He's unfit for surgery, they said.
He's too weak to undergo chemotherapy, they said.

After I went home from work, I helped my mom with her dinner, gave her medicines, massaged her aching feet. I helped my dad clean himself, changing his diaper, made drinks for him. Sometimes I bought snacks home. They looked happy. We eat together in my dad's bedroom. I felt happy.

My dad became weaker. He needed two people to help him sit on the wheelchair. He no longer interested in watching movies, browsing the net, playing with his smartphone. He's not in medication, so we decided to give him traditional medicine. It was hard watching he eat those every single night, face contorting due to how bad it smelled and tasted. Eventually, he didn't want to take any medicines anymore. I began to show anti-social tendencies. I rarely talk at work, and I just want to go home. I no longer respond in group chats. The ones I really talk to were my parents, my boyfriend, and F. My boyfriend and I fought a lot. He said I changed, became gloomier ever since I came back from Singapore. Indeed, I was not really the same person I used to be. Both my parents were crippled. How do people expect me to stay the same?

On September was my convocation. It was supposed to be a happy moment for me and my parents. They were happy, yes. My dad asked me to go, receive the certificate proudly, that I did good. They didn't attend. They're unable to go. My mom cried when I showed her my degree, showed her pictures. For a while, I was happy again. It doesn't matter if my parents were unfit, we're still a family, we're together, and they will be better soon.

I hoped.

Two weeks ago, my dad passed away.
My mom cries to sleep every night.

For 21 years, it used to be three of us. Now there's only two.
Nothing will be the same anymore.


Let's play a little game of scenario, shall we? Here goes the story.

Let's say my parents and I found a nice restaurant. They had delicious food, good hygine, and cheap price. It's almost perfect, except for the fact that the restaurant is a little far from town. After thinking for a while, we agreed that we don't mind that it's far, because the food quality is almost perfect.

Then here comes A, B, C, D, and all other people. They complained, "It's too far!" and tried to discourage us from eating there. In return, we said, "But, but, the food is good! And it's clean! And it's cheap! Until now we haven't manage to find a restaurant with a quality on par with that restaurant!"

If you're one of the A, B, C, D, etc, what would be your response to convince us to not go there?

"I know a place, it's as good, I promise you. Let's go there." or "I'll ask around to find a place nearby where the food is good, clean, and cheap as well." should be the right response, no?

How about, "Well, it's your choice if you still want to eat there, but let me lecture you about 100 reason why you shouldn't go there without even giving you any advice or offering you help, and we'll just keep yapping and yapping at you until you give up. Then you can go search for another restaurant that is as good as that one, all by yourself. But this time nearer to the town, or else we'll yap again. On, let's also throw in the comment that you're not thinking about this decision hard enough. Horray."

If you were me, hearing that response, how would you feel?


Imagine if the restaurant scenario above is actually about a much, much larger and serious case. Like, financial decision or property or education or something. How amplified is your annoyance?

Seriously, if homicide is legal and human tolerance is non-existent, I'll fucking staple your mouth so you'll shut up. Don't sprout out nonsense if you have nothing better to say, yeah?

The Good And The Bad

I finally completed my 5th semester (well, to be exact, it was 3 weeks ago. Teehee). I got the temporary result, and I must say that I didn't really expect the score to turn out good at all. So it was a good surprise for me, as it meant I can maintain my average score to achieve the second upper class honours when I graduate. All is good. Well, not all.

I'm typing this in my own bedroom right now, which means I flew home (obviously, duh). To be honest, I was both happy and sad about this. The fact that I'm here means I didn't score for internship. A major let down for myself, I guess. I actually emailed 8 companies and only 1 replied -to tell me that they no longer accept intern for this period. There are only 3 possibilities I can think off:

1. They didn't expect receiving internship application at the end of the month. This is the case for the one company that replied to me. It was partly my fault that I applied late, anyway. My assessment is on the 20th of november, and after that, I haven't created my CV and compiled my portfolio. So yeah, it took me a one good week to rummage through my most presentable works, took great photos of the said works, and compiling them while also keeping attention to the aesthetic of the layout. Jeez.

2. They don't want an intern for a month. If I were to recruit interns to my company, I would most possibly refuse one-month interns. They hardly can learn anything in that short time, and it would be a waste of money to spent on a newbie who would be gone after a month. That case goes for me as well.

3. My portfolio sucks. I deeply hope this is not the case.

So internship is off the case for me. Then I went home. Quite happy because it's my own hometown, duh. I can make good use of the 3 weeks here to eat all the food I crave while I'm in Singapore. Probably going to spend some time hanging out with old friends and whatnots. It always feels good to be home, even though I'm still sad with the internship matter.

Speaking of home, there's a minor annoyance going on. The water that comes out from the tap is brown. Sometimes almost black, I tell you. The whole neighborhood is affected, I don't know what's going on. It just had to happen today when I just arrived as well *sigh*. Nothing hazardous, probably just some dirt or sand or whatever. But I can't help but feel icky when I have to shower. Or wash my face. Or brush my teeth. Or worse, clean up after peeing or pooping. Ew. Super Ew. If it's possible I really want to go to someone's house to take a bath.

Or perhaps I can just skip shower altogether and use bottled water to wash my face and brush my teeth *shrugs*


It's merely 3 weeks away from my final assessment for this semester.

Signs of tire and stress have been showing since few weeks ago. Eyebags, worsening eye circle, pimples, late periods, etc.
I felt angry for some reason. Angry with myself, the school, and everything. You see, starting from last semester onwards we're supposed to find our own topic of interest and do researches and manage our own projects. We more or less done the researches last sem, and for this sem we have 3 mandatories to be produced. Anyway, last tuesday is the submission of the second mandatory, and we received the result on friday as well as consulting with our lecturer about our projects.

For the first time since my second year, my grade drops. Both for my studio work and the process journal. Should be grateful, though, since almost half of the class failed. Even one of my classmate who is usually considered 'brilliant' flunked to a mere 'pass'. I was hit with a sudden realization that the final year will be nothing like the previous years. Yes, we have less classes to attend now, but we're expected to produce more stuff. More 'quality' stuff. My art direction and style was shit right now because I don't have time to experiment. Either I try more stuff, or I can't make it to the deadline, so I chose to play safe. And so, by playing safe my grade dropped because the lecturer 'expects better' from me. I don't even know why he expects so much from me because I feel like I'm quite mediocre compared to the others. Or am I underestimating my own potential? I don't know. It becomes quite a burden for me right now.

I just want to quickly finish this course and start working to gather all the money my parents had spent back.

Family. Lover. Me.

So many issues. So many worries. So much to talk and write about. I want to just scream my lungs out and put everything to an end already, so I can move on with my life. So I can move on with my peaceful days where all that matters are just the three of us, the two of us, and me myself.

1,000+ again. Perhaps it's due to built-up frustration. I didn't write anything lighthearted either. Just save your time and don't read it.Collapse )

Bloody Mon(th)day

1. It came without warning.
2. You are doing whatever shit you're doing, and 5 minutes later you will be writhing on the mattress instead.
3. The bed is the new center of gravity.
4. Your mouth feels like Sahara. Water will only relieve you for about 5 seconds.
5. The only thing that makes eating tolerable is soup, soup, and soup.
6. The insides of your lower abdomen apparently think they need wringing.
7. Soon, you can't tell whether you have an abdominal cramp or you simply have to poop.
8. But most of the time, it's both at the same time. And it makes pooping a living hell.
9. Suddenly, you're not complaining if your phone gets hot. You place it on your belly. It feels good.
10. But "thankfully", it will only last for 2 days max.

11. No, the bloody month won't be over until 3-4 days later.

Makeup Dependency (And All Other Matters)

Aww, look at that. It's two and a half months already! *grin*
It's not like I'm paid to write regularly anyway, so.....
Anyway, I might not talk about the title open anyway until a little bit further in the post.

(Warning! 1,000++ words post)
read anywayCollapse )

A Useless Late-Night Entry

I have so many things to write about. Yet those things come and go as they please and wreck havoc in my brain.
So basically, I have nothing to write about. At least right now.
I just feel obligated to write something, because just look at the date of the previous entry.
It's freaking 3 months already.

That being said, I also feel bad if I end this post without talking about something.
So here's a fluffy Japanese Spitz puppy (Or perhaps, err, teenager dog?)

December :)

Ah... Holiday month.
November had been a hectic month for me. You know, the assessment and stuff (even though the assessment ended at 21st, so technically I've had 10 days of holiday).

Here's a recap for the previous month.

You don't know how relieved I was when it was finally over. Over! My 16 weeks of brain fry and lack of sleep was finally over!
I haven't received the official result yet since it will be mailed by late December (and somehow the finance department has already sending reminder for tuition fee at freaking 2am. Really? Are you in dire need of money? Give me a break), but I have received the indicative band. As for me, I feel that I somewhat improve a bit here and there, but nothing much, really..
The indicative mark shows otherwise, though. Apparently, I improve much. I was literally holding my breath when I saw the mark, and even though the results were not as good as some of my other classmates, it definitely was an improvement from last semester. A big improvement. That being said, I was both happy and sad. Happy because of the improvement, and sad because I knew I could do better. But, oh well. Better not slacking off too much next time.
*update* I just checked the result for my digital study. It improve as well. That means all of my modules this semester are improving *throw confetti*

Now that I've shoved the school bit aside, time for holiday recap!
Except for, there's nothing for me to recap on.
I spent my holidays (so far) trying to catch my lack of sleep, eating, watching youtube, browsing random things.
I went to the zoo (yay! So many animals! *autism mode on*)
I spent my time learning and buying a bunch of makeup (well, not a bunch, but..). For instance, I bought a gel eyeliner and an eyelash curler (I don't know why I'm so obsessed with eye makeup. Maybe next time I'll buy mascara and undereye concealer), and I spent like, a few hours playing and experimenting with them. I liked the result, and I took photos of my close-up eyes. I've considered to post it here, but no. Why should anybody care about a damn eye anyway =____="

Anyway, that's the recap. Maybe more interesting things will happen after I fly back to my hometown.
Till then, bye!

Music Stereotyping

This post is a tribute to a friend of mine. I'm not calling names here. I don't dislike you, in fact I like you a lot. You're very fun, and we have great times hanging out together. But when it comes to music, I don't really like the fact that you only consider some genres to be "real" music. I don't like that you badmouthed some genres just because they don't suit your taste. And I'm very uncomfortable that day when I was listening to "an industrial metal band in which their lead singer wore grotesque makeup and had a reputation of being an anti-Christ", and you only listened to a bit of the song (it was even a part with just nananana with harsh vocals), and you bluntly said to my face that those were "satanic songs" and I should stop listening to them. In fact, I think whenever we talk about music, you always implicitly imply that most of the songs that I listen to are satanic. I'm not mad. I know some of my songs are very dark, with heavy topics such as internal conflicts, self-searching, and even suicide, but you're not listening to the lyrics (and it's not even satanic). You're only listening to the "sound" of it, and it's not alright to group a certain style of music into a certain behavior.
And also talks about religions. That topic, along with my music genres, are the topics that I want to avoid the most when I'm hanging out with you. Because it will always ruin the mood.
That being said, in the end you are still my friend. And I value our friendship, so thanks for being my friend.

Let's admit it. It's not good to judge people based on the music they listen to.
I found this chart when I was browsing 9GAG. It's not very new, but I always crack out when someone reposts this. Because it's.. stupidly funny (does that phrase even exist?).

*those in red circles are the ones I listen to*

The heck dude? What am I then? *rofl*

Fun fact: Here's what you can try. Listen to those genres on the "disattached from the social dogma" list. See how long can you stand it *grin*
(I can't stand most of them either, especially the harsh noise. Most of them straight out sounds like horror movies. Okay, not most of them. You just have to be lucky and cherry pick those with a more forgiving sounds :p)